And distressing winds. Is it the weather or is it I who is causing the storm of disorder? As the cold enters my bones, and the booze filters through my veins, the warmth of my fury slowly fades away. My passion escapes from the entrapment of my soul. I feel powerless and sore. Aching for more time to avoid the strain, yet here I am reluctantly dreading the MTA. regretting my will to move forward, and wake up at all. What would become of me without this pain, other than a sadistic survivor who is truly sane.
Published by Malissa A Vazquez
First and foremost, I am not a mental patient. I am a willing consumer of mental health services that are available to me as a citizen, and a native of New York City, within the United States.
I am an unprivileged minority figure who is privileged to receive services at all. Which is more than I can say for the billions of people who are deprived of such services either due to lack of insurance, community or governmental support. This may sound very contradictory, but I can assure you of its clarity over time.
For now, I simply wish to disrupt the disorderly flow of my unnatural circumstances through the reconstruction of my true nature. I am a creature of habit who habitually embraces the pursuit of enlightenment, and evolution. Often, I am motivated by an impulsive need to rebel against “the system”, my family dynamics, and even my own conditioned sense of helplessness. Other times, I willingly submitted to a defeated sense of domestication, control, and “order”. This can be referred to as what mental health professionals refer to as manic depression when trying to classify a behavior as a diagnosis. I am no fan of the DSM.
I am flawed yet flawless. I have been born into a system as a mental health consumer way before I was planted as a seed. I originate from a historical line of mental health disorders, substance abuse, criminal associations, institutionalizations, incarcerations, incest, and violence. Mental health instability, Suicide, homicide, psychosis aAand violence runs through my blood as a potent reminder of why I must rebel. It is the culture I do not wish to embrace.
By flesh and blood I consider myself to be a manifestation of an enhanced essence. I should not be alive today, yet here I am. As an adult, with my own moral grounds, and understanding I am finally beginning to grasp the concepts of life, liberty and freedom of will.
My past will slowly, but surely come into fruition as I continue to become more intune with my present state of mind, and conscious awareness. It is not my intention to embrace bias, or claim incompetence upon the mental health system in particular, however I am sure that my opinion at times may appear deliberately insulting. I mean no harm. I simply wish to share my own truth, as I have lived through it.
I am not my diagnosis. I am not a statistic to be documented and categorized based on I’ll guided research, or privileged authority. I am one of millions who was deprived of an appropriate source of the five basic needs of survival which according to Abraham H. Maslow entail the following: Physiological, safety, love/belonging, esteem, and self actualization.
This is me dismantling my own conditioned mind, while simultaneously attempting to dismantle the mental health system as it stands today.
View all posts by Malissa A Vazquez
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