Covid Mindgames

    I am a fearless individual who is riddled with fear. As contradictory as this sounds allow me to make one thing clear. Being afraid does not always mean that one intends to cower away in order to avoid the cause of such fears. At least for myself it doesn’t. One can simply learn to take precautionary measures when facing fear. Like washing your hands a million times over to avoid contagion, or strapping your self to a parachute before jumping out of a plain. Unfortunately, when paranoia meets fear, the lines of safety and insanity become blurred by delusion and confusion.

      It has been many years since I’ve disconnected from the news. As my t.v sets lay catching dust in my closet I find myself questioning my foolishness. Only when I step out of my front door do I become on board with society. Only when I look out of my window do I know how to preserve or expose my body. 

    Corvid19 has truly won the Oscar for my disgust of human nature. As I navigate the New York City subway system I am torn between pushing forward, or turning back and locking myself in my home. Wanting nothing more than to hide in his arms with my dogs and our cats safely indoors raising a safer kind of havoc within our small walls. I’d rather be bitten and scratched than walk another mile in this filth.

    I wish I paid better attention to my global history and political courses. I turned my back on a world I didn’t think I belonged in. Now as my home city joins the rest of the world in mass hysteria I feel entirely unequipped and not at all prepared. The homeless are swarming the train systems more than ever before. Bed bugs roam freely as they compliment the stench of urine and feces. There is no peer centered perspective as people are consumed with anger and disgust. I can’t even sit down as I am stuck in a trance staring down at phlegm dripping down a seat. 

     All I can do is stare at it, not sure if I want to vomit or curse out the next person that passes me because the culprit has long since vanished, and I just need someone to blame. I believe that people may be getting wildly out of hand with paranoia. I blame the media outlets, and political figures for causing so much misguided upset..but honestly I think I am becoming a little paranoid too.

    Still I push forward debating the whole way whether or not my promises to “ show up” are truly worth the risk at all. My head is pounding as its system is overridden with external intrusions surrounding me entirely. All I can do is wonder why the hell I gave up biology and science. Why do I feel so powerless staring at this filthy film of phlegm trying so hard to turn my eyes into a microscopic lens just to see the cells transforming into a contagion that is so desperate to latch on to me. I just want to go home.


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