First Comes Love, then Comes…
Divorce is a life event that shatters the very foundation of what many once thought would last forever. It is the severance of a bond that, at one time, felt unbreakable—a bond built on promises of companionship through life’s trials. When divorce occurs, it can feel like the unthinkable has happened, and you may question everything you once believed about love, commitment, and even yourself. The process of healing from divorce involves rebuilding, and one of the most important aspects of this journey is embracing your new identity and restoring your confidence (Erikson, 1968; Johnson & Williams, 2017).
When we enter a marriage, we do so with a deep sense of certainty—confidence that this is the person with whom we’ll weather life’s storms. We envision a future together and make solemn promises to stand by each other through thick and thin. It’s a beautiful commitment, grounded in the belief that this bond is unbreakable. Yet for many, divorce is something they never imagined happening to them. The causes of divorce are rarely straightforward, and its arrival often comes as a shock, even to those in difficult marriages (Amato, 2010).
Common causes of divorce include infidelity, financial strain, emotional disconnection, and differing life goals or values. These issues can emerge gradually or appear suddenly, leaving the dissolution of the marriage feeling abrupt. Regardless of how it manifests, the reasons for divorce rarely align with the idealized vision of a perfect partnership we once had (Finkel, 2014). This uncertainty shakes our confidence and leaves us questioning not only our ability to predict the future but also our ability to make decisions about our relationships (Finkel, 2014).
Rewriting of Schemas
When faced with the end of a marriage, the emotional and mental effects can be more profound than just the loss of a partner. Divorce fundamentally alters our understanding of not only that relationship but also of relationships in general. The culmination of choices we made led to the wedding day, and for all that to unravel can leave us questioning our ability to make sound judgments about love and relationships (Beck, 1999; Johnson & Williams, 2017).
In cognitive behavioral psychology, there is a concept called schemas—mental structures made up of thoughts and understandings we develop over time that shape the way we perceive the world (Beck, 1999). These schemas are continuously refined based on our experiences and are crucial in guiding our responses to various situations. When a divorce occurs, it forces us to revisit and rewrite these schemas, a process that involves both assimilation (incorporating new information into existing frameworks) and accommodation (altering our frameworks to make room for new, potentially contradictory information) (Piaget, 1952). This often feels like re-learning how relationships work, especially if the schemas we once trusted have led us to this painful place (Beck, 1999).
The Rebirth: Identity vs. Role Confusion
During this rewriting of schemas, it may feel like you are entering a new phase of life—one not unlike adolescence, where you are forced to redefine who you are, what you want, and how you fit into the world. Just as adolescence is a period of identity formation, divorce acts as a catalyst for reevaluating your identity (Erikson, 1968). The identity you once held as a spouse must be reexamined and adjusted to reflect your new status (Erikson, 1968). This process is difficult but essential for your personal growth and evolution (Johnson & Williams, 2017).
Building a New Community
As your identity begins to take shape, the next step is to rebuild your community. This can mean reconnecting with old friends in new ways, seeking out new social circles that better align with your evolving self, or joining support groups for divorced individuals. Surrounding yourself with like-minded people who understand your journey and can offer emotional support will help affirm your new identity (Amato, 2010).
The right community serves as a mirror, reflecting back the strength and wisdom you may not yet see in yourself. Over time, the affirmation from others will help rebuild your confidence and give you a renewed sense of certainty as you navigate this new chapter of your life (Finkel, 2014). These individuals will become your allies, offering a safe space to express your vulnerabilities and aspirations as you move forward (Amato, 2010).
Avoiding Generalization: Healthy Schemas for Love and Intimacy
A natural response to betrayal or heartbreak is the desire to protect oneself from future harm. However, one of the dangers of divorce is that it can lead to broad generalizations that prevent you from moving forward in a healthy way. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that all men are bad, or all women are untrustworthy, especially if the divorce involved infidelity or deep emotional pain. These generalizations can form unhealthy schemas about love, trust, and intimacy, making it difficult to form meaningful relationships in the future (Johnson & Williams, 2017).
The Role of Therapy in Your Healing Process
Therapy can be an essential part of rebuilding your sense of self and navigating the complexities of life after divorce. A therapist provides a secure base—someone to guide you through the process of redefining your identity, processing your emotions, and challenging distorted schemas about love and relationships (Beck, 1999). Therapy offers a safe space to unpack the trauma of divorce, identify the patterns that contributed to the breakdown of the marriage, and begin creating the new version of yourself that’s emerging (Beck, 1999).
References
Amato, P. R. (2010). Research on divorce: Continuing trends and new developments. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 650–666. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00723.x
Beck, A. T. (1999). Cognitive therapy: A 30-year retrospective. American Psychologist, 54(1), 1–33. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.54.1.1
Erikson, E. H. (1968). Identity: Youth and crisis. Norton & Company.
Finkel, E. J. (2014). The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work.
Dutton. Johnson, S. M., & Williams, A. (2017). The power of emotion in marriage therapy: Emotionally focused therapy and the experience of emotion in marriage. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 16(3), 204-217. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2017.1328254
Piaget, J. (1952). The origins of intelligence
Author Info:
Joel Kouame
Joel Kouame, LCSW, MBA, CAMS-II, is a seasoned mental health specialist, adjunct professor, and owner of JK Counseling, a New York-based virtual practice dedicated to supporting teens, couples, and individuals. Joel brings a depth of expertise in stress-related challenges, including anger, trauma, and anxiety, using interventions like EMDR, IFS, the Gottman Method, and narrative therapy. JK Counseling, offers a trauma-informed, evidence-based approach to help clients build resilience, manage stress, and enhance emotional well-being. For more information, visit jkcounseling.com or connect on Facebook, LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/company/jk-counseling/), and Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/jkcounseling)Practice Owner/PsychotherapistD: 917-451-5344M: 917-935-4347
