Unfortunately, I experience mental relapses constantly. Sometimes, this occurs due to allowing the outside environment to pierce into my spirit and mind. Sometimes, setbacks happen when confronted with a lot of unpleasant news. Sometimes, it happens when the outside environment forces or bullies its way into my personal or when I’m trying to focus on other things. Sometimes, problems surface when unresolved traumatic events flash in my mind and create a continuous internal struggle.
I have encountered considerable challenges in maintaining my mental well-being amidst persistent frustrations. My ongoing struggle revolves around the intricacies of government agencies administering my weekly and monthly entitlements. Unfortunately, these agencies often impose sudden suspensions or retrospective repayment demands without sufficient justification. As a result, my financial stability becomes precarious due to these recurrent interruptions.
Unfortunately, many agencies have little to no empathy toward entitlement beneficiaries. They make it nearly impossible for patrons to call them to file appeals and settle reductions, breaks, and discontinuations of entitlements. Phone lines are often busy. Callers typically must leave voice messages, experience long wait times, and even get hung up after waiting for long periods. Without a strong support team, many people simply give up, accept the fates that the status quo throws at them, and/or go into complete emotional distress. Many turn to self-medicating, self-harm, and other means of coping that can negatively affect them.
I personally have experienced bouts of anger, mania, and depression as a result of people belittling my ability to handle my own affairs. These so-called supporters have their own expectations of me, have their own agenda, and remind me that the system doesn’t care about me.
Sometimes, I think my profession is meaningless. People in my profession are constantly using me. They make me feel like I should just quit and retire and are constantly out to frustrate me and take all I have. A few have gone as far as to try to take control of my entire life.
I sometimes feel like my life is controlled by someone else and powerless.
People have no acknowledgment or gratitude for anything I have done for them. What I have done seems not to be enough. I have little to no privacy.
There is a worrisome lack of privacy within the confines of my own home. Every move and detail of my life has become an open book with no respite or sanctuary. Astonishingly, he justifies his actions by asserting that we are married, as if our marital status grants him unrestricted access to intrude upon my personal space. The notion that “what’s mine is his” is applied without consideration or sensitivity despite his prior rejection of marriage on multiple occasions. Regrettably, expressing anger or frustration is met with an undue focus on my physical well-being, rudely overlooking legitimate emotional concerns. Even my pulse rate, which surprisingly remains within the normal range, is seemingly weaponized against any displays of discontent.
There seems to be only room for one person in the house who can be angry or cynical…and that person isn’t me. If I don’t obey him or do as I’m told right at a particular moment, he threatens to have me committed to a hospital…the same tactic many mental health housing program providers use on their clients to force them to comply.
When I’m around him, I have no voice. I’m to be seen and not heard. He steps in if I need to deal with certain situations, like folks acting up while I’m facilitating Zoom rooms for work or must appear for legal proceedings. He tries to settle things his way, leaving me almost entirely outside the situations as though they’re not happening to me.
He constantly lies to others to keep his true personality away from them, pretending that all things are good at home when things at home are more chaotic and unstable than he is leading. If things don’t go his way, he goes out of his way to calculate and carry out revenge against those people he feels are in his way. Sometimes, his methods nearly cross the line into criminal acts.
In the complex dynamics of this particular individual, one can observe a combination of traits that include vulnerability, fearfulness, and aggressiveness. This person exhibits a profound lack of trust toward others, perpetually consumed by paranoia, which inevitably influences their expectations of my behavior. On various occasions, they have attempted to isolate me from my support network of family and friends, particularly when they perceive themselves to be unwell. While they demand my undivided attention and assistance, they are less inclined to reciprocate when responsibility falls upon their shoulders. Their method of making requests or conveying their desires often takes the form of subtle manipulations or disguised commands, through phrases such as “Do you feel like…”, “I want you to…”, or “Can you get me…”. Interestingly, they conveniently claim to have no recollection of our previous conversations, repeatedly asking me questions to which I have already provided answers. Regrettably, the consequences of such behavior have resulted in missed opportunities and the unfortunate erosion of my potential.
In my contemplation, I have often pondered whether my own abilities meet the expectations set upon me. It has become evident to me that his perceived superiority exists, which places me in a perpetual state of subordination. My efforts to fulfill and uplift him appear insubstantial, for his happiness remains beyond my reach. Despite my sincerest endeavors to support and nurture, I cannot bridge our divide.
Recovery from addiction can be demanding, but I firmly believe in approaching relapse with compassion and understanding. Rather than viewing it as a failure, I see it as an opportunity to pause and reassess the situation, making necessary adjustments to pave the way for progress. To illustrate this, I came up with a metaphorical quote: “Although I may need to temporarily park my car, it doesn’t mean I have to abandon it altogether.” I strive to extend grace to myself and others, recognizing the significance of empathy in this process of healing and growth. Recovery is a serious undertaking that requires a steadfast commitment to self-compassion and a genuine concern for the well-being of others.
Acknowledging the importance of confronting our discomforts and engaging in open discussions about them is crucial. By actively addressing our sources of distress, we can prevent them from lingering and negatively impacting our well-being. Rather than allowing ourselves to be consumed by these challenges, it is wise to approach them with a sense of purpose and resilience. This involves creating a strategic plan to reintegrate into our desired life while making necessary adjustments.
Author Info:
mentalhealth
Max E. Guttman is the owner of Mindful Living LCSW, PLLC, a private mental health practice in Yonkers, New York.
