Mental Health Affairs

Seventeen days ago, I, a peer specialist, stood on the precipice of a life-altering decision. Alongside a busy road, I contemplated ending my life mere seconds away from the wheels of a passing truck. In that brief, agonizing moment, a tumultuous battle waged within me, and ultimately, I chose to step back. Am I relieved? In part. Am I haunted by the pain that led me there? Undoubtedly.

This wasn’t an abrupt plunge into darkness but rather the culmination of a lifetime marked by injustice, trauma, and the challenges of living with Complex PTSD. My early years were shrouded by Munchausen’s Syndrome by Proxy, resulting in unwarranted psychiatric diagnoses and unnecessary medications. It took the collaborative efforts of numerous healthcare professionals from Boston Medical Center and beyond to unravel this intricate web and set me on a path toward genuine healing.

Nevertheless, vulnerability remained a constant companion. In 2015, during my tenure as a peer specialist, I reported a colleague for abusing patients with histories of sexual abuse. This act of integrity came at a high cost, abruptly ending my career. Following this, my life spiraled into homelessness, involvement in sex work, and an overwhelming sense of despair. I eventually sought refuge in Mexico, where I endeavored to rebuild my life and business amidst the isolating challenges posed by the pandemic.

The relentless struggle wore down my spirit. Despite making progress, the weight of my experiences pushed me perilously close to the edge. Seventeen days ago, I nearly succumbed to that abyss. Yet, here I stand, still fighting, still enduring.

In a desperate quest for stability, I turned to anti-anxiety medication, which provided me with much-needed clarity and a profound realization: for years, I had been acting impulsively, unaware of my condition. This revelation brought forth a complex mix of relief and regret. I now understand the necessity of apologizing and making amends for my past actions while acknowledging my truth and mistakes.

My story stands as a testament to the resilience and the intricate journey of a peer specialist navigating their mental health battles. It underscores the critical importance of believing survivors, even when their actions or words may seem unstable. The intended final act—a self-destructive apology—was averted, but it left me feeling somewhat hollow as if a part of me had indeed perished.

Nevertheless, I acknowledge that my life and my work hold intrinsic value. My experiences, as painful as they have been, equip me with unique insights and the ability to support others on their recovery paths. This is why I invite you, the reader, to consider supporting my endeavors. My recovery workbooks, born from personal and professional experiences, are designed to assist individuals grappling with similar challenges.

I extend an invitation to explore my work and join me in this journey of healing and empowerment. Your support can help construct a stable foundation for someone who has teetered on the brink but has chosen to step back into the arena of life.

---

Visit my temporary website for my books: Sanity is a Full-Time Job.

For more information, please visit Craig’s Recovery Resources.

Thank you for your support and belief in the power of recovery.