My name is Adam, and I have been a police officer in Wisconsin for 23 years. I am also a Certified Peer Specialist in Wisconsin. My law enforcement career began in 2001 after serving as an active-duty United States Army Military Policeman. In April 2016, I was involved in a critical incident that changed my life forever—I used deadly force against an individual who armed themselves with a hatchet inside a busy department store. This person lost their life.
For years, I suffered in silence. I am ashamed of how I coped and the way I treated those around me. Looking back, I wonder if others noticed my struggles but didn’t know how to approach me, or if they simply chose not to get involved. My coping mechanisms were not just unhealthy—they were self-destructive and dangerous.
I used alcohol, marijuana, casual sex, and self-harm to numb the pain and escape from my thoughts. My reckless behavior put my relationships, job, and health at risk, but I didn’t care. I isolated myself, called in sick to avoid work, and even intentionally injured myself to be excused from my duties. My drinking escalated, and I mixed alcohol with over-the-counter medications, even prescription drugs, despite the risk. I drove under the influence, even with my daughter in the car. I engaged in risky sexual behavior for momentary relief. At my lowest, I put my duty weapon to my head, not fully understanding why I was doing it, but knowing that I was playing with life and death.
In December 2021, I experienced a panic attack during an active shooter training, which led to a psychological evaluation in January 2022. For seven hours, I sat through the assessment, debating whether I should be honest or try to “beat” the evaluation. I ultimately chose honesty. As a result, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD with Acute Stress—Dissociative Features. I was deemed unfit for duty and placed on a leave of absence for intensive therapy, including Psychotherapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Biofeedback, and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).
During this time, I was placed on a safety plan due to my suicidal ideations. I never explicitly planned to take my own life, but my behaviors suggested I was on a path of self-destruction. Despite making progress in therapy, my leave of absence was not extended, and in May 2022, I was given the option to resign or be terminated. I chose not to resign. I was fired.
The department I had served for 14 years cast me aside. My coworkers—people I would have risked my life for—ghosted me. I felt hopeless, abandoned, and lost. But I continued my therapy. I stayed committed to my healing. I began taking Lexapro (20mg) and Propranolol (as needed) to manage my depression and anxiety. Slowly, I started to rebuild my life.
Today, I am a police captain in Wisconsin. I am where I am now because I finally prioritized my mental health and worked through my pain instead of numbing it. I could not have done this without the unwavering support of my family, friends, colleagues, counselors, and even complete strangers. I am beyond grateful for their support.
I also want to thank my Police Chief, Shawn McGee, for his strong commitment to mental health awareness in law enforcement. Chief McGee doesn’t just talk about supporting officers—he takes action to reduce the stigma surrounding mental health in our profession.
If you know someone who is struggling, please reach out to them. It might feel awkward or uncomfortable, but many people will never admit they are struggling or ask for help. You could be the light in their darkest moment.
It is okay to talk about your mental health. You are not alone.
Please don’t suffer in silence.
Resources for Mental Health Support:
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
- CopLine (Confidential Law Enforcement Peer Support): 1-800-267-5463
- National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)
- Veterans Crisis Line: 988, then Press 1
- The Wounded Blue (Support for Injured & PTSD-Affected Officers): www.thewoundedblue.org
