I’m going to review the last two books I’ve read on healing from traumatic relationships. After reading these guides I have no interest in picking up any more books on this topic. The encyclopedic insight I’ve gained into the behavior of a narcissist is entirely too much.
Karyl McBride, PhD wrote the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Though the copyright date goes back to 2008 it’s one of the best books on the subject.
The exercises at the end of the book will benefit the reader to engage in. Grieving the loss of the mother you need and won’t ever have can be emotionally draining and leave you physically exhausted. Practicing self-care is advisable at this time.
The day an adult daughter breaks free of the control of her narcissistic mother is her second birthday. It’s a time to celebrate. Yet before you create the new you it’s imperative to first do the hard work of mourning.
McBride asks the reader not just to write about the grief of a missing mother. She tells you to write about the mother you would like to have. In effect adult daughters of narcissists become their own loving mothers.
Sherrie Campbell, PhD wrote the book Adult Survivors of Emotionally Abusive Parents: How to Heal, Cultivate Emotional Resilience & Build the Life & Love You Deserve. This guide is my favorite. It can help sons as well as daughters.
Campbell minces no words. Her writing style is impressive like no other author writing about abuse. She uses the right words and most effective language to give clear actionable methods for recovering.
The harshest words Campbell uses are the truest assessment of the reality of the harm to children. In validating the adult survivor’s choice to cut ties with their abuser Campbell says that they are in fact acting loving toward the parent. By setting this boundary the survivor is allowing the abuser to act true to themselves as the cruel person they choose to be.
In turn the adult survivor is free to act true to the person they are. An abuser will say and do things to keep their child compliant. They need you to need them. The terrible thing is that a narcissist or other abuser cannot bear for their child to be a separate individual.
At the end of her book Campbell gives exercises to do. One is writing down a list of the adjectives to describe the unique self you want to become. Look up and write down the definition of each word. Choose one word each day and be that part of you. Like Silly. Funny. Or Cheerful.
Once survivors enter the “no-man’s-land” where they can break free healing and recovery become possible. It will take courage to do what’s called individuate. Find a true friend to give you support. Consider talking to a therapist—and one trained in aiding survivors of trauma.
Celebrate. Host a coming out party. Even if it’s just you alone on the couch. Serving popcorn to yourself in that new ceramic snowman chip-and-dip tray set. Popping champagne. Watching Netflix.
The theme is clear in every book written about narcissists and other abusers: Survivors deserve better. You are worthy of love and compassion. It’s not ever too late to reclaim the life and self you lost in relationship with this person.
Christina Bruni is the author of the new book Working Assets: A Career Guide for Peers. She contributed a chapter "Recovery is Within Reach" to Benessere Psicologico: Contemporary Thought on Italian American Mental Health.
