All at once, family can be a symbol of life, love, and laughter and, at the same time, be the breeding ground for very complex emotions like guilt and shame.
Family can have a different meaning for everyone, but what’s certain is that it has great influence on shaping your emotional well-being.
A careless sibling rivalry, a contentious parenting decision, or an unorthodox family tradition is enough to evoke powerful waves of guilt and shame.
And when left unchecked, they can become a burden too heavy to bear, affecting genuine communication, causing resentment, and holding you back from living in fulfillment.
The good news is you can take some power back and reduce the adverse effects of these emotions, so they become powerless and stop your progress.
For families and individuals, too, these are proven strategies (sourced from years as an EMDR licensed therapist) to heal from years of shame and guilt.
First, know the difference between shame and guilt
- Guilt is an emotion you experience when you think you have broken a moral code. When you do something harmful, you usually want to take it back or apologize. That’s guilt.
In its most basic form, guilt tells you that you have done a bad thing — and that’s a good thing! Guilt can inspire you to be better and refrain from doing things that hurt another.
- Shame is an ever-present emotion of inadequacy. It doesn’t matter whether you do right or wrong. Shame always makes you feel fundamentally flawed and never enough.
How to let go of shame and guilt (proven strategies)
These strategies don’t work like a manual, but rather a sampling of ways that you can test and see if they work for you. In this list, you are likely to find at least one that’s relevant to you. Once that happens, read with an open mind. Remember, you don’t have to be rigid in implementing it either. Try doing the strategy every other day for a week and see if you notice anything different.
Acknowledgement & Willingness
Acknowledgement is vital to healing. Recognizing guilt and shame for what they are — strong, complicated emotions that can significantly affect your spiritual and mental development — can be the point of difference.
Recognizing guilt is simple enough. The dominant feeling is usually regret, which comes right after you realize you did a ‘bad’ thing.
Recognizing shame — that’s a different kettle of fish. Societal values and norms play a significant role in the occurrence of shame. Because these societal standards have seeped into one’s mind at a young age, recognition is much more difficult.
To recognize shame, you must learn to pay close attention to thoughts, actions, and emotions as they arise (i.e., self-monitoring). Use a journal or the notes app on your device to record your thoughts when you feel inadequate if that feels more authentic.
Within a week or two, assess the role of this shame in your life. Unappealing as it seems, this exercise is effective in pointing out moments you judge yourself too harshly.
After acknowledgment comes the willingness to heal; this part is as personal as it gets. You must decide to live better. No emotional healing is easy, and this won’t be either, but it is worth it.
Negative self-talk
To put it mildly, the internal dialogue of one struggling with guilt and shame is unhelpful. You may find yourself berating yourself for inconsequential mistakes or constantly permitting thoughts of inadequacy.
Yet, when a dear friend or a child walks up to us expressing negative thoughts, we are quick to remind them that they are good enough and things are not nearly as bad as they think.
Extend yourself a favor. One bad incident does not define your identity. When something stirs up emotions of guilt and shame, be the first to reassure yourself. You are, and always will be, enough.
This insightful article on Psyche suggests the practice of writing a compassionate letter to oneself as a way to heal from internalized negativity. By addressing yourself with understanding and love in your own words, you’re actively exposing your mind to a better version of yourself.
In time, your mind will understand that there is indeed a more assured, loving, and happier you, something shame doesn’t want you to know.
Redemption
As we’ve already discussed, guilt follows a negative act. So, it makes perfect sense that one way to deal with guilt is to try to repair any damage caused honestly.
For example, apologizing is a good place to start if you’ve offended someone. A sincere apology means you accept responsibility — and that always lessens the burden of guilt.
Forgive yourself
Forgiveness is powerful. Self-forgiveness is even more so. Instead of dwelling on your mistakes, acknowledge them, learn from them, and choose to let go.
By forgiving yourself, you’re restating your self-worth and acknowledging that your mistakes don’t define you.
It always helps to go back to the root cause of your guilt and shame. It is possible your memories connected to these emotions are not as potent as they once were. Or, even better, learn to develop positive connections to old memories that have hitherto only caused you great sadness and suffering.
EMDR therapy is particularly good at revisiting old memories and positively redefining the emotions connected to them.
Separate your actions from your identity
Shame often leads us to believe that our mistakes define us as a person. This strategy challenges that belief and helps us manage shame.
Remind yourself of your core values and principles. Did your actions indeed violate these values, or were you simply operating from a place of misunderstanding or imperfection?
Talk to someone in a safe space
There’s a deeply ingrained belief that if people saw the things you struggle with, they’d hate you and want nothing to do with you. That’s shame talking. It thrives in isolation — but withers in community and connection.
When you share your vulnerabilities in a safe space, you’re opening yourself up to love, patience, and understanding from others who understand your circumstances.
Find someone who cares for you and has demonstrated this. Tell them you want to share something important with them. Talk about your insecurities and see how they react. There’s an excellent chance you leave that conversation with a lot less burden and a lot more confidence.
Consider reaching out to a therapist
Talking with a therapist works great, too. You can search for therapists online or send me a message here if you’d like to talk.
As I’ve mentioned, EMDR therapy is a thriving area in psychotherapy that can help you revisit old negative memories and create new, positive associations with them. It is excellent at tracing the roots of shame.
Not ready for a therapist?
Not a problem. Try out the strategies listed above. If you find yourself wondering about the past or worrying about the future, consider checking out these books that I highly recommend for trauma and anxiety.
Author Info:
Bradford Stucki
While I was in school, I knew I wanted to help people in some capacity. I tried multiple majors and actually pursued being a physician’s assistant (PA) for a while. It wasn’t until I looked at my skills and considered my interests that I began to study more about people, how they make decisions, and why they do what they do. Since that time, I’ve accrued a number of degrees and pursued a number of trainings to enable me to provide the best care to my clients.
