Forty-nine years of asking, is something wrong, or am I the problem? I’m slowly leaning towards “IT’S ME.” These days, I’ve been finding myself in more familiar behavior patterns than ever. I wanted to know why this was happening to me. Are people’s opinions interfering with my decisions and better judgment? Does this mean I will repeat “Groundhog Day” repeatedly? When is enough actually enough?

Why am I suffering again? 

How often do I ask myself: Can I change him (or her)? That things will get better. I am a fool to think so. I’ve been suffering because of it. I dont want to be in any more pain. I am in pain from being damaged and not bought. I feel like trash. So, this is what it feels like to be discarded. The putrid stench of loss and betrayal has made me a jaded, cynical puppet. A lump of clay waiting to be molded and shaped by whatever and whomever. 

I no longer make nor have any expectations of people. Expectations set up “no win” situations. In these situations, everyone thinks they alone are right. Even worse, when the chips are down, I am the one that gets stuck with everything. There seems to be no rest for my weary soul. Sans some miracle, the only proper rest I may see is resting with my Creator in heaven.

Unfortunately, racism isn’t dead. It never died. 

Unfortunately, my skin color (which I have NO control over) still seems to determine my status in life.

I can be stubborn. I’ve successfully mobilized my stubborn nature and made a career out of it—various photo ops on Facebook, awards, conference proceedings, name-dropping, and cliches. I’m everywhere when it comes to being visible in the peer world. After all, that’s where I am needed the most. 

My biological family isn’t even on my radar. Im passed trying to make them see my worth. I’ll never meet their demands or their expectations of me. Without a bio family, I can be a virtual shut-in and a blacklistee—no holiday gifts! So, no phone calls from and no interaction with my relatives. In my case, I no longer have any expectations and will never be disappointed.

My rantings may result in backlash, but I need to get some stuff off my chest to advance my recovery.

Thanks for reading. Peace and blessings to you all!